THE HILLS: Lauren Conrad doesn't have to pour her own drinks at Goa Nightclub, so then why did you?

Here's a lesson: if you're not prepared to pamper everyone there beyond their expectations, then don't name your party "The Hills." Based on the glam life in the hills of West Hollywood? Hmmm, not exactly. You must mean some DIFFERENT hills, if you get what The Dog is saying.

First of all, $250 - $300+ tickets during the worst global economic recession since World War 2. In the middle of the second busiest and biggest fete season in Trinidad, second only to Carnival. Hmmm. The Dog doesn't have to tell you what that means. Better impress the people.

And The Dog was impressed. Initially. The people were beautiful, and the music was good 'n' bumpin. Crews Inn was a great idea for a change of venue - an ode to the older, golden days of partying when Chaguaramas was THE spot. It was a veritable class reunion for the foreign-based folks who had not all been together in eons. Ok, granted, there was a couple of up-and-coming illegal bare-knuckle boxers, but no unscheduled matches that couldn't be contained by the well-organized security.

And then there was the bar. Oh, the bar. Clearly, when the event organizers used "The rest is still unwritten" as their party tagline, they were talking about the bar. Early partygoers were lavished with free shooters and cocktails - like, GOOD cocktails, not the poorly-mixed fruit juice/liquor combinations that are usually the norm at these free drinks soirees.

Note the The Dog said EARLY partygoers. The "Past 1AM" crew was not so lucky. The so-called "bartenders" could not keep up with the surging crowds of people who paid their money and expected that LC treatment all night ... and obviously not being properly-trained bartenders (or perhaps not even professional bartenders at all?), they were not prepared. And thus, The Dog, along with many others, poured and mixed his own drinks.

YES.

But, by the time 2AM rolled around, most people were either too wasted or having too good a time to care about the "bar". Ahhhh, THAT MUSIC, it was the kinda good, well-selected music that sends partiers into a trance.

Then, at promptly 3:40AM, the music stopped, and the trance ended.

Again, The Dog says YES to your disbelief. With the majority of partygoers being used to jammin damn near till the sun comes up, people were in shock. There was no warning from the DJ. Some even said they felt betrayed. It was practically like the day O.J. got acquitted. The music ended, the lights were clapped on, and peeps had to GO. Of course, the consummate after-party lime was struck up outside near the gyro stand, but dammit the goddamn fete was done.

And by that time, The Dog was done too. The ensuing Facebook message apologizing for shortcomings and inconveniences was a good and necessary PR move, granted. But The Dog was already done. And when The Dog is done, he closes his eyes, yawns, and goes to sleep.

T.A.P.'s FINAL WORD: Don't get too ambitious. Just focus on picking some good bartenders, and pump that bass till at least 4:30AM. The people will thank ya for it.